Kyle From High School Page 13

  That’s when I knew both of us as “I” ceased to exist.

  We’d become fused; a “we,” and there was nothing in the world that could peel us apart.

  I kneeled on the floor next to him, and looked at him up close to make sure I was seeing what I thought I was seeing.

  He was still muttering about fixing it; trying to fit the pieces back together in his hands, and dropping some.

  I planted a kiss on his mouth and he stopped.

  I felt him relax beneath me.

  When I pulled away, his eyes fluttered open and he said, “What was that for?”

  I smiled a little and gave him a shrug. “I just… want you to know it’s okay, that’s all.”

  He let out a breath and his eyes flicked among the rubble. “It doesn’t look okay—”

  “No, it’s fine,” I said. “My mom put it in the hallway—she knew a lot of foot traffic passes through here. She knew the risk—she might be upset for a few days, but she’ll get over it.”

  I rose to my feet.

  Phil did the same.

  We shared another kiss, then my stomach growled.

  When we pulled apart, Phil’s eyes fluttered closed. Then he said, “Pizza?”

  “You read my mind,” I said as a big smile curved across my face.

  Since we’d spent the morning and the early part of the afternoon fucking each other’s brains out, by the time we ordered the pizza, it was already late afternoon. I felt the sensation that our free time together was pulling us closer to the neck of an invisible funnel, but I pushed that thought aside. That thought felt dark, and sitting here with Phil in my kitchen, at the island, dark thoughts had no place in my mind. The dazzling sunlight poured in through the big bay windows, and the bronze Chiwara shone gold in the light.

  I laughed at some joke Phil cracked, then reached forward for another slide. As I pulled it out of the box, the cheese pulled apart feebly.

  Phil stopped laughing and watched the cheese stretch.

  “Isn’t Julie coming home soon?” Phil asked.

  A flutter of jealousy flickered in my stomach, then I extinguished it.

  But Phil had seen my face. “I’m asking because I want to know what the plan is.”

  “No plan,” I said, squeezing his hand under the island counter. “Don’t worry about it.”

  “No, I mean,” Phil said, blinking a few times. “We have to think about what we want to do going forward. Sure, everything between us is great—at least I think so. But are you ready to come out?”

  That familiar darkness came over me. “Come out as bi, you mean?”

  He nodded, looking at me earnestly.

  But then my gaze dropped to his hands, and I noticed his fingers were fidgeting.

  It was then that I understood Phil wasn’t ready to come out of the closet, but he couldn’t quite pin the right words to what he wanted.

  I glanced at the Chiwara as if it had the answers. Then I said, “No one has to know.”

  Phil’s shoulders relaxed with relief. “I thought you might say something like that.”

  My gaze snapped back to him as my pizza dripped liquid cheese all over my plate in cursive loops.

  Maybe I’d mistaken disappointment for relief.

  “Well, what do you want this to be?” I asked, taking a bite. “You gonna withdraw again? Pretend it never happened? Act like I’m one of your pawns—”

  “No. Cut it out,” he said. His expression was cold; hard.

  It sent a thrill up my spine.

  “I can’t get away from you, Kyle,” Phil said, staring me in the eye.

  I stopped chewing under the sheer power of his gaze; those black, glittering, intelligent eyes staring directly into my soul. I was little more than a deer in the headlights when he looked at me like that.

  Helpless.

  “If you’re okay with it,” he said slowly, “I’d like to keep everything between us… secret. For now, at least. But only if you’re okay with it.”

  I shrugged. “I’m fine with it. As long as I get to be with you.”

  He blinked a few times, those dark lashes fluttering. “This feels too easy.”

  “What’s wrong with easy?”

  “Love is supposed to be hard—”

  I pointed at him.

  He looked at my finger with a confused expression, then his eyes widened in fear. “Oh. Oh, no, I didn’t mean—”

  “You didn’t?” I said, letting some of the hurt creep into my voice.

  He blushed and looked off at the window.

  Phil fucking Baron blushed.

  A smile curled across my face, and I felt so much warmth and happiness in that moment, I didn’t think I would ever get happier—

  “I do… love you…” Phil admitted, looking down at his fingers. “But I didn’t want to say it like this.”

  “Well, how did you want to say it?” I asked with a tilt of my head. “It’s kind of always been true, right?”

  “You’re not saying it back,” he said sadly, then glanced at the Chiwara.

  From this angle, the sculpture seemed to look down at him.

  I rapidly chewed my pizza.

  Phil looked down again. “That’s fine. You don’t have to say it back.”

  I swallowed and then smiled. “Of course I love you, Phil. It’s like… this type of love that’s always been there. You know? It doesn’t feel weird to say. It’s like…”

  Phil brightened, and that boyish smile spread across his face again.

  And God, he looked so beautiful like that that I thought I would melt into a puddle.

  All the words escaped me. I wanted to kiss him so badly; lean forward and somehow transmit my feelings into his mind.

  But at the last minute, I found the words.

  The perfect words, that had always been there, hanging in between us.

  Because the bond we shared? It was… it was pregnant. It had been gestating this relationship throughout our entire lives, waiting for us to be ready for this.

  I reached out, squeezed his hand, and looked him in the eye.

  “I’m ready for this. And I don’t care what happens down the road, or if anyone finds out or whatever. As long as I’m with you.”

  Phil beamed again, then ran his thumb over my knuckles. He lifted his gaze to mine. “I want to be with you, too. For the foreseeable future. And I don’t have any plans on what we should do to define this or where we’ll be a month from now, a year from now, what happens when we’ll go to college—”

  I pressed a kiss on his lips.

  He melted against me, relinquishing his control—for now.

  When I pulled away, I looked him in the eye. “Don’t think. Just let it take shape as we go. I’m here for you, Phil. I’ll always be here for you.”

  Relief seemed to spill over him. He closed his eyes and gave the slightest nod.

  And that nod lifted the last shadow of doubt in my mind.

  13

  Phil

  Years and years later

  No one suspected.

  I still couldn’t fathom how everyone around us could be such simpletons that they didn’t see I was head over heels for Kyle—and had been for most of my life. I mean, someone had to suspect that we had something going on… We burned so brightly whenever we were around each other, it was impossible not to feel the heat from our flames.

  But to my surprise, no one did.

  They just thought we were really good friends that spent all of our time around one another.

  I mean, sure, we kept up appearances in public. We didn’t hold hands in the street or anything, and we kept all other forms of PDA on the down-low.

  But part of me wanted to scream to everyone around me, “Come on, people, how could you not see it?”

  I mean, we lived next door to each other, again. Now that we were fully-fledged adults, we’d bought a pair of side-by-side houses on a lake in the suburbs outside Chicago. Jon lived nearby, but not close enough to be annoying. Terr
y lived a little further out, but we still found ways to hang out with the guys all the time.

  They didn’t notice that we’d adopted a Corgi together. They thought we were just being neighborly; taking turns babysitting Chi-Chi because it just made sense.

  Everything about our relationship made sense.

  When we first got together back in high school, I’d had my doubts. It took a long time for me to lower my walls all the way, but Kyle had just… always been there, as an unwavering pillar of constant support and love. I’d been surprised at how easy it had been for me to fall so deeply and irrevocably in love with him. But within a few months, I knew he was the one for me forever.

  It just… made sense.

  We made sense.

  Even though parts of our relationship may have looked fucked up to everyone around us…

  I hurried across the pathway to his house—a monster McMansion looming over the lake like a fairytale castle or something—with Chi-Chi on my heels. I could hear the tick-tick-tick of his short little legs flutter in my wake as he hurried to keep up.

  I glanced over in his driveway to see his ruby red Tesla parked there, ready to go on another long road trip.

  Giddiness swirled within me as I thought of our last road trip together—when we’d taken a long, long drive down California’s route one. That was the trip where I’d finally learned how to relax.

  Kyle taught me that.

  Kyle taught me everything that mattered.

  I turned the knob and stepped into his house, delighted to see him at the end of his workday. Kyle had gotten into military contracting since we graduated from college. I’d stuck with art, and my house was currently a mess with all of my painting materials scattered around the living room, ready for anyone to step on things…

  It was better to do this at Kyle’s house.

  Kyle’s house was always neat and tidy.

  Chi-Chi hurried in front of me, already making himself at home and searching for my boyfriend.

  I frowned. That word… boyfriend… it felt so hollow. So light. So non-serious. It didn’t convey the depth or the truth of our relationship.

  But why did I care? I didn’t care. I totally didn’t care.

  Sure, everyone around me thought I was straight. I had women in the art community hit on me all the time, and always thought loudly at them, “You’re barking up the wrong tree, sweetheart.”

  But we still hadn’t told anyone. Our life was better when it was lived in private, and we had a good laugh about all the ladies who’d hit on us over the years.

  I climbed the stairs to our special room, knowing what was waiting for me, and feeling the excitement tingle in my gut. A smile curled across my face.

  Desires swirled inside of me as I ascended each step, Chi-Chi hurrying in front of me like some kind of lightly toasted marshmallow bunny-dog. He waited for me at the top of the stairs with a big corgi smile on his face.

  I smiled back at him and said, “Why did I even bring you over here? You would have been fine waiting at home for me.”

  He took a few shuffling steps backward and gave me a disapproving look.

  I held my arms up in a surrendering gesture. “Fine. Whatever. You’re the boss.”

  I reached the landing and went to the room at the end, where I knew Kyle was waiting.

  We’d discussed it. We’d talked and talked and talked about everything—including what we’d seen that night at the barn all those years ago.

  Both times all those years ago.

  In fact, we’d even joined their little club for a while, and learned some things. There were a few times we’d been standing in that circle of death eaters, watching the guy in the middle get railed…

  Even thinking about it now sent a pang of desire through me.

  I opened the door slowly, so that Kyle would be able to hear me.

  Then with a lurch of excitement, I spotted him kneeling in the corner on his mat, completely naked.

  Ready.

  A smile curled across my face. I reached for the riding crop, which I knew was hanging on the side of the door…

  Then I shut Chi-Chi out of the room.

  That night, I cooked Kyle a perfect little cut of filet mignon.

  He sat at the kitchen table, reading a paperback. One of Vonnegut’s war novels, I thought—I’d never understand my partner’s fascination with war. Chi-Chi leaned against his leg, watching me carefully, hoping I’d drop a scrap or two.

  As the cast-iron pan sizzled the meat, searing it to perfection, I took the seat next to Kyle. I leaned over and pecked him on the lips; a quick little I-love-you.

  Then that desire swirled in my gut again.

  Kyle must have sensed it, like always, because he peered at me over the top of his paperback.

  “How do you always know?” I asked.

  He shrugged; that motion that was so undeniably Kyle and said, “I just do.”

  I steepled my hands and looked over at him.

  Chi-Chi must have sensed my heart rate speed up, because he shuffled over to my foot and leaned against my leg for comfort. It was nice to feel his weight on me.

  Kyle put his paperback down, reached over to my arm, and cupped a hand over my wrist. An encouraging smile spread across his face. “I’m here. Always.”

  I looked over at my partner—still handsome as all those years ago. Still written on my heart eternally, and with as much certainty as my own name.

  “I want to be out with you. I don’t care about what anyone thinks anymore.”

  His expression didn’t change. I was a look full of nothing but pure kindness and love. “I knew that was coming.”

  Something in me faltered, and doubt reared its head in my chest. “What?”

  Fear seized me, and that fear quickly metastasized into panic.

  Kyle watched my face and said, “Woah, woah, calm down. I mean, I’ve been waiting for this to come. I’ve been waiting for a long time—”

  “Wait, really?” I asked with bated breath.

  He nodded. “Dude… we practically live together—”

  “We don’t. We’re neighbors,” I said with a little smirk.

  “Yeah, yeah, and then your walls go up like that,” Kyle said, leaning back in the chair. He rested one of his arms along the back of the vacant chair to his right.

  From the look on his face, I could tell that he wasn’t insulted; he was only joking with me.

  “We’re attached at the hip,” I said. “I don’t have any walls with you anymore—”

  “Bullshit,” he snorted.

  A smile curled across my face and I punched him playfully on the arm.

  We were best friends again.

  Our lives wove together like this in a continuous sin wave:

  Best friends. Lovers. Old married couple. Corgi parents. It all stitched together into a beautiful tapestry titled “happily ever after.”

  He pulled me close, against his chest and I could feel his rock-hard abs under my hand.

  “You are so hot…” I groaned.

  I couldn’t see his face, but I could feel his cheeks shift as he smiled proudly.

  “I have something for you,” he said.

  My heart fluttered madly in my chest.

  Chi-Chi readjusted against my leg.

  Kyle dug into his pocket and pulled out a small, velvety box. “I was going to wait until after dinner—”

  “What?!” I said, pushing myself off him and staring into his eyes.

  The green-ness was so clear and bright and filled with love that I felt astounded.

  “You… you didn’t!” I said.

  He shrugged in that very Kyle-way and said, “It just… needed to be done.”

  Kyle opened the box and revealed a beautiful silver wedding band, glimmering in the light. Thin rings of diamonds wrapped around the edges.

  “Kyle!”

  “Phil!” he said with mock-surprise, but there was nothing but love in his eyes. “I would get on my knees and beg
you, but I think I already did that plenty earlier.”

  I looked to his glimmering green eyes, down to the ring, and back up to his eyes, hardly daring to believe it.

  Hardly daring to believe that someone like me could deserve someone like Kyle.

  How someone like me could deserve a happily ever after.

  I planted a kiss on his lips again; full and vulnerable and wanting. I felt all the emotions course through me—after all these years with Kyle, they flowed freer than they ever had before:

  Gratitude. Truth. Love. Happiness.

  So much happiness…

  A tear rolled down my face as I kissed him desperately, so overcome with love that I thought I would burst.

  When I broke the kiss, I looked into his eyes again.

  They were shining like emeralds. I could tell he was on the brink of crying, too.

  “I take it’s that’s a yes?” Kyle asked. “Come on, don’t leave me hanging, man…”

  I frowned with mock-upset. “Oh, yeah man, I’d love to be your husband, dude, tell me how you want it, bro…”

  He booped me on the nose and smiled. Then his expression shifted to serious. “I need to know if you’re sure. If you want to be open with me—”

  I bit my lip and nodded, the tears of truth still spilling down my face.

  His smile widened. “It’s settled, then.”

  Kyle took my hand, plucked the shining ring from its slot in the box, and shuffled it onto my finger. “We’re going to be husbands.”

  I felt so much happiness at the sheer right-ness of that word that I thought I’d melt into a puddle all over him. And it took everything in me to bite my tongue about the fact that right now, hidden in a secret compartment of my closet back at my house, was a wedding band I’d gotten for him. I had a whole proposal planned, though…

  But that could wait until later.

  All plans could wait until later.

  Here in Kyle’s arms, I could just enjoy the moment. Enjoy the happiness; soak in it like lowering myself into a fresh bath.

  Because here in his arms, I didn’t have to think ahead. I could just let loose and be.